we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
