I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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