My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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