a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
