Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
