My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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