Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
