How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize