His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
