Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
