having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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