I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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