i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
