Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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