Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
