why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
