It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
