ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize