You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize