Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
