i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
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