So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
