when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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