Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
