Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
