I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
