Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
