Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
