I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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