Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
