VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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