i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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