she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
