I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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