My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He kissed a someone with a penis
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
