So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
