If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
