first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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