You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
