Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize