The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize