I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
