i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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