is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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