I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
