hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
