I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
