i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
