Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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