I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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