I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We had sex on a dog bed..
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
