I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
