I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
