We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
