I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
