So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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