After last night, I could never be a politician.
My cat gives me a boner
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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