Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
