Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
do herpes really smell.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
