I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
It was a blind-side dick pic.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
