her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
