Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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