just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My feet surprised me
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
