just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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