Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
