I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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